So, I’ve been single for nine months now. (A word of advice: I don’t recommend breaking up with someone on Easter though. for real.) On the plus side, the date’s real easy to remember!
In all seriousness, I’ve written on this blog before that my break up last spring took A LOT out of me. I felt like I got sucker punched. I’d never before truly envisioned a future with someone and then lost the narrative part way through. I let myself feel way more than I ever had and as a result I had to process and let go of a whole bunch more feelings than I anticipated.
And then I was single. Dreadfully single. Single when I REALLY didn’t want to be. I’d built a life with friends who had significant others. When I removed my significant other, the balance I’d achieved with friendships, my career and my family broke.
What?! Ridiculous Universe! Completely not fair! All at once! NO!
The reason single felt dreadful was because all these other areas of my life were out of balance. The reason I felt like single was a big stamp of failure was because I’d been using my relationship to hide these other areas I needed to address.
It sucked to have my friendships challenged while healing a broken heart, to be interviewing for jobs when I felt insanely vulnerable and, yes, I was not always a trooper about it. But you know what I did it. I just kept going because I knew it had to get better, and it did.
But I took every single freaking hard part about those months and I channeled it into becoming the best version of myself. I came off prescriptions that made me feel exhausted and worn out. I took more than a full week off of vacation for the first time in three years. I called up my best friend and told her I needed her. (I’m HORRIBLE at asking for help so that was a huge deal for me). I started to book massages for myself, and I started to realize that while I was at work the world was really not on fire. [Guys, you only get one set of adrenals.] And if I felt like I needed to cry, I cried. Because after months of fighting it, a mentor finally got through to me, sadness doesn’t swallow you up unless you bury your feelings.
Of all that has changed over these months one of the things I am most proud of is that I became a better leader and a better boss because I’d tasted my own grit and resolve and I learned perspective.
There are still two loose ends to tie up, physical, health stuff that I’m working away on, and that’s where my heart is right now. I’ve given up my heart to healing these last couple pieces, and that’s why I haven’t given it to a guy.
I wrote this post weeks ago and haven’t hit publish until today. Because part of me is so freaking annoyed that I felt called to write about being single, again. I’m tired of it, but I have to write to process my feelings and to write about anything else would’ve been a total lie. I guess I needed to write down all of the ways this has made me stronger, and to show myself why dating has been so unappealing. I had bigger work to do.
Besides, I’m starting to actually love being single. Maybe a little too much. That’s what LC would say anyway =)
1.) This is a biggie health wise: Don’t eat the same foods every week. It’s SOOO bad for your body and you only ever get the nutrients on those specific foods. Switch it up!
2.) My library obsession is spiraling out of control. So many Luke Bryan CDs in my car and so little time. Also, a million Paleo cookbooks…how will I read them all before I get fines?!
3.) Looks what’s coming in May…Superfood Snacks. Julie Morris, just stop it. You’re too good at this.