I got up to watch the sunrise for the first time in a long time last week. For reasons that would take a lot of explaining, I needed to do it for me, and I’ve put it off for a long time. While I was watching this everyday magic unfold in a majestic part of Maine, this poem sort of spilled out of me. The last two lines of which were…
Because burning too hard-
is better than never lighting the spark.
Lately, I’ve been working my way toward owning more of who I am. I was very much inspired by Mike’s post about “being too much” because I realized I can’t really remember more than a handful of times where I really let myself be too much of anything. I’ve always been shy, fairly conservative, a fantastic listener and someone more comfortable with blending in than standing out.
I’m the girl that’s usually like, “I’ll hold the notecards. You do the talking.”
I hold back a lot of my too-muchness often, and I think that’s unfortunately pretty common (especially for introverts and people pleasers). We dilute what makes other people uncomfortable. We learn to skip past revealing the parts of ourselves that make other people avoid looking us in the eyes. It’s such a freaking shame. It’s why I’m a health coach and why I write this blog and talk about ridiculous things that make me feel really vulnerable.
It sort of boils down to this:
One of my amazing friends said to me the other week, “Because you’re closet awesome.” And she hit the nail on the head. I’m closet awesome. I keep my awesome tucked away back there until I know it’s safe to put it out there and be vulnerable. I hold on to it and at some point I’m just like, “Here, see, this is the real me.”
And when I do that, when I put my whole self on the line, it tends to blow people away. I tend to get what I want. It’s fun. It’s adventurous and exciting and my life feels like it’s moving in the direction of my dreams. Sometimes it freaks people out and that’s uncomfortable (part of life), but that feeling of owning my bigness can be so contagious that the naysayers aren’t really as jolting to me.
As I step back and take this 360 look at my life – I realize what I’m doing. I’m biting my tongue when I already know the answer. I’m assuming someone else knows more than I do on the conference call. I forget that other people view me as a thought leader and expert on certain subjects. I rob myself of my skills and my gifts when I shrink away from them like that.
I will leave you with this experience I had while dialing into a YRO brainstorm session while on vacation in Maine. Back story is that I’m volunteering with Yoga Reaches Out, assisting with some marketing and social media work. Here I am part of this non-profit to be of high service, to give from an open heart, and I’m on this conference call not speaking up. And all of the sudden closet awesome FELT completely unacceptable – I needed — and had to — give and share what I knew. If it’s my great desire to give, what on earth am I doing holding back? If my ideas can help lead to a connection, new fundraising opportunities and help this organization grow, then where do I get off keeping quiet and staying closet awesome?
I spoke up a lot on the second half of that call, and I was nervous but I had solid ideas too. We’ll see. Maybe even some awesome ones.
1.) For the best full moon updates on the web you need to check our Mystic Mama. I hope you were able to harness some of that supermoon energy Sunday evening and set clear intentions about your goals and your TRUE NORTH.
2.) I’m currently reading Emily Giffin’s latest, “One and Only.” It’s the first time in a long time I’m not reading a book about healthy living/eating. Summer beach reads are the best!
3.) Mike gets his own bullet here. For that epic post about being too much and demanding that people like me stop toning it down.