Note: I’ve decided to write about my break up on my blog, while also keeping in mind that this is deeply private and I want to share what’s appropriate. I respect my ex VERY much, and these break up posts will not mention him. He is a very good man, that I was very lucky to have in my life.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to fall in love with three fantastic men in my life thus far. None of those relationships worked out. If I’m being really honest about it, I feel like a failure. I feel totally freaked out that I’m doing something wrong, and I feel like I should be married and having babies right now.
Now, I don’t want to “should” all over myself. But here’s where I’ve been caught up: All of my friends and family members have heard me say in various ways, “But I don’t want that yet.”
Isn’t that one huge contradiction? To be punishing myself for not having something, but then also claim I don’t want it.
After my break up this weekend I wrote in my journal, “I simultaneously cannot imagine being married and also cannot imagine not being married. My break up had sort of slapped me across the face with that realization.
Maybe I do want it, but I’m terrified to scale that kind of grown up commitment into my life. I LOVE my freedom, but I also know I want a life partner.
The next step though, the one that I need to peel through all those “shoulds” and face, is that I cannot attract into my life something that I’m resisting. If I’m resisting the “grown-up” ness of marriage, I will continue to push it away.
Up until now I haven’t dated anyone with the true intention of finding a life partner. I dated to experience more of life, to become a better partner, to practice being in a relationship and not losing myself. I have grown incredibly! Did I hope along that the way that maybe these guys were “the one,” YES! But I hadn’t brought myself to a point of clarity BEFORE entering a relationship.
When I look back to how I spoke when I was in my late teens and early twenties about commitment and marriage, I never told people I wanted to start a family young. I told them I wanted to build a career. Always. I remember never wanting to give a number to anyone about the age I might be married by (what pressure!), and I remember telling my parents after I fell head over heels in love with yoga that my path might be different, and that I didn’t want them to feel cheated if I didn’t provide grandchildren.
I have been freaked out about the idea of grown-up commitment and I’ve leaned toward cultivating freedom in my relationships. The reality is that commitment and freedom can co-exist, and I’m just starting to allow myself to build a picture of what it might look like.
In closing, the more “spiritual” of a person I’ve become the easier it has been for me to see relationships as assignments. After our lessons are over with certain individuals, it’s time to move on.
I believe very deeply that when we love someone from our true hearts we carry a small piece of their heart with us, beautiful reminders of the lessons we’ve learned from them, and the parts of ourselves we’ve learned to love a little more deeply by seeing love reflected in their eyes.
P.S. Three things will be back in my next post.